Thursday, August 03, 2006

The Gay Husband Checklist

So, I found this article in the New York Times about the struggles of gay/bi-sexual men who are married to women. Now while I understand societal pressures and bias, I think it's pretty selfish for a man - or a woman for that matter - to drag another person into their madness. I'm sorry -in fact, no I'm not sorry - that I want to be more than just a "best friend" or "perfect co-parent" when I get married. Why should he get to have his cake and eat it too while I pop out babies to make him look good?

Please... I like cake too motherf**ker!

Now if that person goes into the situation knowingly, that's different. Some people absolutely do this and that is their business
(Be nice! I'm not naming names...), but apparently people are still getting suckered into sham unions. The article linked to two organizations that help the straight spouse cope in this situation. One site, Gay Husbands/Straight Wives, started by a woman who was once married to a gay man, has a checklist for women who may not know what to look for. I found the list interesting because some of the tips seem so obvious (He watches porno movies with gay scenes? He visits gay bars? Duh!) But then again, maybe it's not so obvious to everybody.

Personally, I've gotten some great tips from some gay men I know on what to look for - especially the good looking ones. I'm sorry, but they get hit on more - especially by alleged "straight" guys - so I think they know what they're talking about.

Here's the checklist from the site. What do you think of it?

GAY HUSBAND WB01372_.gif (406 bytes)LIST

You have a normal sexual appetite, but your mate thinks you have excessive sexual needs.

There is a decline of sexual activity early in your marriage.

Your husband is repulsed by normal sexual activity.

Your mate admits to having had more than two homosexual encounters.

Your husband reveals he's bisexual.

Your partner visits gay bars claiming he’s there only to hang out with his gay friend (s).

Your mate watches porno movies with gay male scenes.

Your mate makes continual homophobic comments.

Your partner’s ego appears to be boosted by compliments from gay men.



Blogger Rune said...

"Your mate admits to having had more than two homosexual encounters"

So the first two encounters are ok?



The only sexual encounters with a man, involve myself....and we are WAAAAAAAAAY beyond two..

August 3, 2006 at 8:00 PM  
Blogger Nichelle said...

LOL! I thought that was a little suspect too Rune. I mean, if you have had one or two encounters then what are we doing here?

August 3, 2006 at 11:02 PM  
Blogger Supa said...

Ewwwwww. And very sad. One of my close friends is married to a man suspected of being gay/bi.


Hey Nichelle!!!!! Come by my spot when u get the chance, I'm back up and running. :)

August 4, 2006 at 1:16 PM  
Blogger Nichelle said...

Oh no... that's too bad about your friend Supa.

I'm coming over to your site now!

August 4, 2006 at 1:38 PM  
Blogger Aba Boy said...

"There is a decline of sexual activity early in your marriage" - I thought that was the norm

Good checklist.

August 5, 2006 at 11:07 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

From one novelist to another stop procratinating. But I appreciate this entry. It's funny and real. So sad...

Anyway, I'm looking for some bloggers to join my Gospel Fiction Blog Alliance. Free christian fiction novels and gospel CDs for participants. No catch. It's free. I'm a publicist. Contact me at christianfiction.blogspot or my site at

August 5, 2006 at 7:38 PM  
Blogger Nichelle said...

Hi Dee,

Thanks for stopping by. And thanks for your invitation. However, I think that I will pass at this time. I am not a big reader of Christian fiction, so I don't know how honest that would be of me.

Thanks again - and all the best with your fiction!

August 6, 2006 at 9:14 AM  
Blogger Sangindiva said...

I like cake too!!!!

Hey Ms. Nichelle!! :)

I'm on the road but had to stop by and say hello-
This was a GREAT post/ One of those things that male you say... AWW HELL to the NAW NI**A!!!

August 7, 2006 at 1:47 AM  
Blogger BZ said...

LOL @ "Your mate admits to having had more than two homosexual encounters." WTF? Most men will say ONE means your gay. LOL

August 7, 2006 at 10:18 AM  
Blogger Nichelle said...

Hey Miss Diva - Hell to the naw indeed! Like Whitney sang, "I'm not going through this TO-DAAAAY!!"

BZ - I'm gonna have to go with one encounter too. As far as I'm concerned, if a man tells me that then he needs to go on and just be who he is!

August 7, 2006 at 4:59 PM  
Blogger SmartBlkWoman said...

I just wanted to add this to the list...

If he spends an inordinate amount of time going away for the weekends with friends or has boys only nights a bit too often for your comfort.....he might be gay!!!

August 7, 2006 at 11:06 PM  
Blogger Juicy77 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

August 7, 2006 at 11:19 PM  
Blogger Juicy77 said...

I've become downright paranoid when it comes to the DL/undercover men. I'll flat-out ask,

"Have you ever had a sexual encounter of ANY kind with another man or someone you thought was a man?"

Here's one for your checklist:

He spends more time in the mirror than you do.

August 7, 2006 at 11:27 PM  
Blogger Nichelle said...

Hahaha - I agree Smartblkwoman!

August 7, 2006 at 11:27 PM  
Blogger Nichelle said...

Here's one for your checklist:

He spends more time in the mirror than you do

Sometimes yes - if it's an inordinate amount of time. But I've met a lot of gay guys that don't exactly live in the mirror.

Oh, and LOL @ ..."or someone you thought was a man?"

That's all I'm sayin'...

August 7, 2006 at 11:32 PM  
Blogger Juicy77 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

August 7, 2006 at 11:34 PM  
Blogger Juicy77 said...

Oops, I meant, "someone you thought to be a WOMAN?" ! :o)

August 7, 2006 at 11:36 PM  
Blogger Nichelle said...

Hahaha Juicy!

Actually, if he thought the person was a woman, you would think that in an intimate situation, they'd pick up on it pretty quickly!

Something in me doesn't believe men that dated transvestites - but claim they didn't know.

August 7, 2006 at 11:58 PM  
Blogger James Burnett said...

My brother-in-law was/is gay. And he waited till after they had two kids to tell my sister.

She was ready to kill his ass...even more than it was getting killed in the bars he was kickin' it in. Kidding. That's mean.

But seriously, she found out when their youngest child was one that my BiL was gay. And he didn't tell her or anything. He just got busted trying to pick up a dude, and the guy turned out to be an undercover cop.

He got mad and accused her of biased against his lifestyle.

That wasn't it. My sis has close gay friends (who didn't suspect a thing about my BiL, by the way). But being into dudes is probably something a guy should tell a woman before marrying her.

August 11, 2006 at 8:27 PM  
Blogger Nichelle said...

Geez James, you're brother-in-law sounds like every woman's worst nightmare.

And yes, "being into dudes" is DEFINITELY something a guy should tell a woman before marrying her. In fact, he shouldn't marry her!

August 12, 2006 at 12:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am now going through a separation with my gay husband. He refuses to be honest about his homosexuality and it is soooo frustrating.

As far as I know he has never acted on his gay feelings with another man. I would say he is absolutely repulsed by me. Always has been, from our wedding night, when he wouldn't touch me. Made me feel really bad about myself. Eight years of marriage that has stripped me of my self esteem. You know what it is when a gay man marries a woman? Abuse.

December 1, 2008 at 4:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes me too. I was married to a guy for 11 years. It has taken me years to start getting over it.

Abuse - it sure is. It's mental and emotional abuse of the worst sort, and my ex has never admitted it.

I thought if I could work out what was wrong I could fix it. Years before I realised - I can't fix it!

The problem wasn't my many 'failings'. It was his determination to conceal who he was from the world, duped me into marriage, and then had to manipulate me into thinking all the problems were my fault so I'd keep quiet.

Abuse of the worst sort - using marriage to hide from the world and using emotional blackmail to hide from your wife.

February 5, 2009 at 3:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mine is into transsexuals. It totally blows my mind. Why did he marry me? Does it mean I look masculine? I guess not, since our sex is perfunctory at best and with two kids and busy lives "there's never time" - and yet there is time for him to spend hours watching gay and ts porn. I guess I am just his alibi, so no one would ever suspect.

I have to stay, for the sake of our small children. We can't afford a separation. Well he probably could but of course I gave up my career when we had kids so I'm stuck, dependent on my roommate. My house is not a home to me as I can feel the enemy all around me and I am not comfortable.

I feel ugly, bewildered and trapped in some bizarre twilight zone with the facsimile of a man I thought I knew. Gay/bi men should suffer penalties for failing to make full disclosure to a woman before marriage. I would not have chosen this.

July 25, 2009 at 1:29 PM  
Blogger Jo said...

I just recently found out that my husband of 26 years is gay. He does not yet know that I know. I can't believe that it is true, even though I know that it is because I stumbled across some text and email messages. I don't know what to do. I am trying to get up the nerve to confront him. I haven't yet, because I don't know what I want to do.

September 10, 2009 at 10:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband of 34 years just told me he is gay and finally has a connection with a man and is fulfilled in a way he never was with me. 34 years and 4 kids later. The youngest still at home and the oldest is home and disabled. I gave up my life for him and the kids and he has been cheating on me for 5 years. I also took care of him for three years while he waited for a kidney transplant. Now he wants his life,

October 16, 2009 at 8:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow..those of you saying your partner is gay.. its heartbreaking :(
I don't know what to think, i found a very very naughty email about 5 yrs ago between my hubby and another man. at the same time he was checking out then i found out he was a crossdresser a couple years back. last year, caught him on he promised it was only to tlak about crossdressing and try and understand it..

and yes, if your thinking "wow, she must be the stupidest woman on earth".. ya..i probably am..

currently trying to arrange marriage counselling..
he says he's not gay, but we've only tlaked about our issues a couple times..he lied to me for years before coming clean about the crossdressing...
any thoughts?

April 21, 2010 at 11:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After 2 years of marraige, I am convinced my husband is gay. He was always a hopeless lover but made excuses like sore leg, sore back, trying to be quiet. He never was intimate. But he was so kind and loving in every other way --before the ring went on my finger. But after, the cold, scowling man lurking in the next room appeared. I loved and cared for him madly. Because he told me he was abused by his brother as a child. I thought he was just hurting. He denies being gay although he has admitted recently that he did enjoy the sex with his brother but felt bad afterwards. I dont think he will ever admit it to me, or if he does it will be on his terms....years down the road. I am going with my instincts and will divorce him but I have not had the courage to face the finality yet. I know my instincts on him is correct, I just wish I had other confirmations.

June 12, 2010 at 8:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found out about 10 years ago that my husband of 32 years was not who he said he was....I came across some gay sites he had been on one day and asked him about it, he told me I was crazy. Well this year for my Birthday he came out "I have to tell you something...I'm gay" Thing is he knew at least 10 years ago when he uprooted me and moved me away from friends and family, within a month of the move he was sleeping with some man who by the way is doing the same thing to his wife and son. Only reason I can come up with is he did not want his work to find out, and he wanted to use the money I was left by my father to buy a house that he now lives in. He wanted me to stay for two more years but was not willing to play nice in other words he was going to go on with his new life and wanted me to just put my life on hold untill he was ready to tell everyone else, when I said I could not do it he was shocked and complianed that I was pushing him into telling the family, that he was not ready, well so sorry but I could not just keep pretending that all was normal. He did not even have enough balls to tell his family without me being with him, and of corse his mother "OH MY POOR POOR BABY HAVING TO LIVE THIS LIE FOR SO LONG." They all gathered around him and left me standing alone, only after he said to them "Now R***** needs your support too did any of them even bother to ask if I was ok. Then his mother tells me "We have to be very very supportive of our J****'* new life" How much more supportave could I be I asked her, I am standing here because he did not have the balls to tell you on his own and I have kept his secret for 10 years. I am so angry that for years I begged him to be honest with me and he just refused, and made me feel less than human. Now he is mad at me because I have moved ahead with the divorce, he wanted to do it on our own without lawyers...So he could screw me just once more. Well bite me!!

October 18, 2011 at 8:43 AM  

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